Satellite Anastasiya – Will it Surge Again?

I started working on one of my video games again. I’ve completed 2 of 8 acts. I feel empowerd’. I might just finish this thing. I started this project over 2 years ago. I also forgot about it for several gigantic periods of time. But I am working on it again. I hope my fan base still exists. I have made them wait too long.

These pictures shall rise once again.

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Life in the Deep Regions of Digital Sleep

After creating one album of poetry, I got addicted to the format. Part of me feels like this is the best way to publish poems — where they all sort of mix together — and take bits from each other — repeating certain phrases — eventually finding some kind of unity (at least I hope I achieved that). My whole life, I’ve been obsessed with two worlds that are alternate from our own. The first is the digital world — cyberspace — the matrix — the contstruct — the digiverse (digimon) — I’m a sucker for digital worlds. My other obsession is the sleeping world. From night to night it seems to carry themes that both relate to reality and also to past nights of sleep. Its almost like you go there every night and live this other life — which is very disconnected — sometime not present at all — but still a life — and effectively live two lives? — I find this to be so weird and unrealized by most people. Anyway, I thought it’d be cool to describe the collision of these worlds in a series of poems. Anyone who knows me, would realize that this something of an aesthetic, stylistic, and atmospheric paradise for me.

The format is the same. If you read straight though, I think the experience would be better. But here’s a quick guide for the peruser:

09 is a disco lover’s poem
04 and 10 have love themes
01, 05, and 13 are short and about falling asleep
14 is comedic relief
15, 16, and 11 are my favorites
don’t read 17 without reading 16!

 

Life in the Deep Regions of Digital Sleep

Tracks:
01 — Falling Asleep (34)
02 — Things of the Dreaming (115)
03 — Filters Die at Night (229)
04 — Calm Memory (140)
05 — Tired Fade (31)
06 — Waking Up in my Dream World (55)
07 — I am Back Again (154)
08 — Glitch Seven (11)
09 — Felony Mudtopia (554)
10 — Subconscious Stellar Tide (98)
11 — Radio Voices (293)
12 — Forgotten Nightmare of the Subconscious (303)
13 — Detach (33)
14 — Tiny Aliens That Felt Good To Touch And Reminded Me Of Parting Friendships (268)
15 — Eye of the Storm and the Outer Wall (173)
16 — SEASTORM (389)
17 — Algae Fish (80)

 

01 — Falling Asleep

a mingling disarray
the stars spout soft noise
the love is crowned
the night feels weakness
the exhaustion so heavy
outweighing the emotive waves
floating so sleep deep
another day
oh float
sleep
star

02 — Things of the Dreaming

Out there I know you
Oh I sometimes can’t see you
Aw but I feel you
where are you

Reach and I fall
trip through it all
spiral
spin through the stars

You’re so something
Why am I reaching for nothing
dancing with no one
being so lonesome

Jump real far
I want to run real hard
do it all
be a star

But I fall
crushing the branches
romance the masses
and crash in your yard.

You come to my senses
and I see your name,
together it seems,
but what does it mean?

I wake up to star beams,
so blue and so gleaming
warm and entrancing,
It’s all just some weird dreams.

03 — Filters Die at Night

Apart
Atide
So dis-aligned
Filter,
sweet-heart.
Where have you gone my friend?

Quiet
Just sleep
There’s so much around
go back and sleep
but it’s never deep
always
that monster within
that mind who is me
that endless roar
recoil
please sleep.

Alone
Dreams and nightmares
visions and beings
metaphysics and casual meanings
it’s all here
all about my eyes,
soaked with my feelings
dripping in stasis
between the spaces
of the things I never knew.

Forget about your hands
forget yes you can
go to the sleep place
be with the dream things
go to that strange land
and live like you can’t

All of the meaning
all of the seeming
can’t you see?
Its just me being thinking.
But seems it so real is
and here I can’t tell
if this stuff is talking-
trying to tell me
or if I am lost
and my mind is just chalking.

Filter,
why fail me now
you had it so well
we carved it all up
we divided the real things
we planned up the new things
it was all so ready
so waiting for acting
yet here you die sweetly
and dream break these plans be
all of the grand ways
down in just moments
as I dream of your memory
and all of the old me
spins through the highway
floating ideas
lost for a new way.

04 — Calm Memory

By all the night time
I knew your fine name
your elegant frame
your spiral dress whirl
your pretty neck, girl
watching you curl
as the stars arose
and you were
oh-so-quite
beautiful

Of you,
you had it all-
So violently sweet
Forgotten so
so and ignored
perfect yet mistaken
all my temptation
you’re interest-
was it wasted?

Silken blue sides-
Your hands were so small
by the window wall,
I crashed my car-
I left a note,
do you recall it all?

Does it swirl for you too?
do the lights mix the clouds?
create such vague things?
or is it just me
alone
with old-
my memory.

Gone now you are
to live in my dreams
colored pastel
you swim through and sing
you do random things
delighting to me,
calm memory-
come here-
dance please with me.

05 — Tired Fade

exhausted minds of goo
rolling eyes aside
we all give up
grainy fade
separated
The space ships leave this place.
Lush so are the faces—
a black replace,
mold green,
fade.

06 — Waking Up in my Dream World

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
who are y—
SPLASH!
drop.
CRASH!

Every sense collapses
the collapse makes me cringe
plunge

everything tightens
I close my eyes


help
we’re moving so fast.
elh-
arh-
Make it stop. gasp.

Cold. Muscles spread against bones awkwardly.
barely move
dust ridden blue light is everywhere
it’s so cold

“RL3-
126V,
You have arrived”.

07 — I am Back Again

Grief my
oh host
Why!

“HowWooooooooooo”,
The bits cry.

Prepare night sky
Blue stars deprived
beside my horizon
for time’s come again
to see my sweet parade

There’s trees to the west
mountains in the east
and beside the sky
there is the wide
the open

Digital apocalypse
paradise promise
an eternal see-through spotlight
a blind and crying moonlight
cold is the night

Walk
step
sway
carry on
trudge along

there’s ever something out there

Moons cold drift above
slip across the sky
pass past the clouds
the day will never rise

but you the moon
so
oh
you will fly fly fly

Bit sounds — programmed memory— trickle somewhere
cold and processed hum
fans
a high pitched screel
the dream is built with pixels
it’s living
it’s dead
but it’s not real

A refracted murky psyche
a broken world of byte chips
a computer,
nightish,
mare—
a surreal,
abstract,
delusion—
all—
but not discrete.

08 — Glitch Seven

I live here in this false land—
A muddied clicking program.

09 —Felony Mudtopia

I streak along,
in this weird blue plane,
moving for hours—
motion never winding—
beaming through the grid lines,
Until they start to twirl—

There’s a curving in the space time,
a dying in the angles,
a hold to no more longer—
for lost I have the logic,
the sense,
the old,
the methodic.

Blue plane gone—
This here’s all the new —
corrupt,
slimed,
and bothered—
a city — oh so disgusted.
Life-forms everywhere,
they sing with muddied yells—
they cry a rebelled scream—
they breathe the smog-eyed plumes.

Courted rhythm pulses,
these richest waves of sound—
they carve through all the mud—
creating heavy circles—
that slum through sinking buildings.

What is this
random,
juxtaposed,
mixed-deterred,
distraction?

Does not it still belong here?
I thought this was the perfect—
the crisp and silent circus—
the stillness of my dream—
the silence in between—
my days so full of straightness
tinted corrosion betwixt,
my star-refined,
melancholee.

I see the pulsing dirt lords—
I see their bodyguards,
their dirty cohort hoards,
prostitutes with alien eyes—
spilling drinks onto the slum snakes—
falling with their sloppy legs —
upon the laps of hazy swirling saucers,
dealers dripping worms,
smugglers sliding coins,
their pockets spilling over—
a mud infested nest,
a licked and sleeping wallet—
a molten muddy tongue—
hands that grasp the collars—
in the business of the crimes—
a place where nothing matters
surrounded by the crisp—
oddly by the clear.

I walk amidst cararmell’d clayish homes,
as the people call out wetly—
“You slimy bug of filth!”
“You dirty gleamless splatter!”

They see straight line my edges
my neat and polished form
my careful crystal detail
my blue and spotless eye globes.

Reversed yes do they see me
opposed they are and hate my thoughts
STARE!
reflective blinding looking
reflective icy judging

“You scum!”
“You dirty ugly skull!”

Cringe—
I cover my face—
I run away—
I push the muddied,
creepy,
people—
they call and yell at me.
I push off all the boxes—
the wet and dripping lamps—
the gooey sticky railings—
the place that all but hates me—

I stumble to the disco,
where sloshy pours aspray—
the mud of lurching globs—
and strikes me in the eyes.

I scream at the burn,
and shout at the night—
and wipe it all away.
A-ha,
the sparkle-gridded ball—
the grid of disco-shining—
the etched Cartesian sphere.

Dancing
all they are
crazy as the stars
lost o-stricken peoples—
souls of being. -mud.

Shout to me you yell
“Welcome gliding-stranger—
we thought we curved you dead,
alas, you-here, are-at, the disco—
The lights are cruising baby—
the crazy love is here—
you made it to the mudbox—
the now is night alive!”

The dancing oh the rolling—
the caverns pound about—
the mud is splattered loudly—
o’coats it does the walls—
on throngs of earthy beings—
the muds of gushing geysers—
darkly pressed together—
legs and chests of breath—
the wet and spinning spirals—
the dancing drifting eyes—
the warm romancing water—
it mixes dirt alive—
and rain pours out the skies.

So loudly livid night.

I need to move on—
but can’t!
I won’t—
please!
I’ll stay—

but you—
you—
you?
Shhhhhh…

reach—
Shhhhhhhh……

You…
do I know you?
why are you so quiet?
why are you so silent?
What did you do to the disco?

10 —Subconscious Stellar Tide

Hussshhh
Wawe’de-line lady
lately
You’ve been the kind of perfect
that you find
in-between
some nebula-dreams

The slow not-ness which you curtail—
your absent nightress stare—
the unique-est thing amongst us,
the slowest twirl between us,
a stare that lasts for dream-years—
a world I’ll wake to later.

Silent is your curl
your eyes they follow sails
the shifting of my stare—
a sound-of-lapsing moment
a silent gravi-pull—

It does not end
like strolling never does
it drifts beneath the surface,
the fishy glossy surface,
it waits to rise again
a twisting lofted moonsong—
a subconscious stellar tide.

11 —Radio Voices

Off.
Off in the endlime denoted—
set right by the black chrome trigger tip—
endless spray—
jettisoned ashtray—
curtailing the space of a gimbled lock—
trapped in nothing—
no air…
pixel dark space…
“shhhhh…”
it’s the sound of ordinary nothing
the sound of deep space sublime
interior mind
cavernless mine
ancient sounds of a long lost time

“who’s that?”

Breakup comms—
static on the screech—
“Tomorrow Night? Okay. I can do that”
“What about the energy?”
“cut off the roots… place them in the water…”
“is anyone out there… talk if you can hear me…”
“I’m so alone…”
craicsk crrrisk. static.
“there’s towels in the cupboard.”
“Oh thank you, no yeah… it was nice…”
“Well if you need a TV, I got like three in my attic…”
“Go to the store… Pick up eggs… and the usual.”
crick.
click.
nothing.
spaceless voices,
creep ala yarn through airline
sound echo metal
friends,
old,
metal feathers.
crick. crick. shhhf-stat-crick-static:
“Empress? That is a beautiful dress… Oh, the ball.”
“Stand up. Straighten the buttons. Okay. good.”
crshf. static:
“Look at the ball. Now look at me — that’s your enemy.”
“Paul? Got any sticky notes? … I think I’m out.”
“Oh Darlene! Gosh look at you. What has it been? Three years?!”
“Mommmm. It’s only eight o’clock. Please?”
then nothing
nothing for a long time
so much quiet nothing
terrible nothing.

shhhclick. click:
“Put the books on the stairs, we’ll come back for those in like ten minutes.”
“We’ll have two popcorns… and a soda. Yeah we’ll share that” — “okay, one dollar. NEXT!”
“Attach that disco ball to the ceiling. ok, perfect.”
“Oh danny, put those damn roller skates away.”

shhhhhh

“okay.”
“I know.”
“are you sure?”
“over there.”
“okay.”
“thank you.”
“thanks”
“ok”
“ok”
gulp
“now!”

12 — Forgotten Nightmare of the Subconscious

fall
fall
fall…

sprawling back-first spin
the weight of holding things
the heavy sacks of time-collected-spiral-senseless-feeling

fall
fall
fall

reach—
rolling hands of grasp,
searching for anything,
oh which
can hold I can
can for
oh hold-on please

fall
fall
fall

the dropping-important things
the cracking, precious, objects of mental-memory-junk
the irreplaceable-sentimental-things from those lost-collecting-times
emotively away forever
fear sustained in the night

dying friends and family
lost to fates of no explaining
horror takes them gone,
gasping-pounding heart-scares
lost to foes of in-kept anger

gone
gone
gone

forgotten tasks remembered
little creeping schemes of social people’s needs
I didn’t feed the fish
returned the call?
didn’t do it all

fall
fall
fall

fearful—
but—
an only flickered fear—
a mild tear—
paler—
dreaming—
tell me it’s not real.

a mild fickle fear…

until the world of dreaming starts its machinery cogs
and all the beats of sleeping become a tangible fog
death and truth coerce the night of complex-fusing-reasons
speaking does that-meaning-persons’-believed-deceiving
collusive-trap subconscial-fearing

Discord extends its disconnecting reach and tears the strings of really-logic
building new a terrible land of ancient feelings, ruined goals, and no way out
finding all the points of tepid-hidden-pressure
asserting strong the force of twisted arms, blackmail-bribes, and trapped-my-foiled-plans.

The boneless mind of subconscious dreams cannot route the signals—
cannot correct the realish-seeming-feelings of illogic’s chaotic-spawn.

Physical fits of get-me-out,
let-me-be,
fight-until-I-do it.
The livid goals of a body feeling real—
living in illogic—
trying to be normal—
striving to explain—
filling the void—
of a missing mind—
a truth preserving power—
a strong decisive force—
who keeps the being balance—
and seals the fringing fabric—
baying tight the nightmare—
who would so-eager-tear its rage—
rip with lines of fear—
separate all meaning—
and take the crown of night.

Subconsciously forgotten.

The drifting crown of night.

13 — Detach

gray
flashing-point-to-nothing
sliding-fall-through-space
fast-slow-fall
white walls
models-walking-past
creeping on the carpet
master caution fail
press
beeping beeping stop
spinning pan the stars
fast-slow-fall
dimming cabin lights
sleeping night
closed-eyes
calm-cold-breathe
stellar
shhh
goodnight

14 — Tiny Aliens That Felt Good To Touch And Reminded Me Of Parting Friendships

Cosmo friend—
I thought I saw you on a bus
I thought I saw you on the metal walls of a bus
I thought I saw the back of your head
but you were far away
you were miles away
it was hard to say.

I had to get closer—
I got closer—
I touched your face—
I ran my fingers down the bus.
You were soft
my finger’s tips—
so mused
you were slimy and wet
like the things I pet—
in the aquarium
I imagined wrong
but it felt right—

You’re an ad on a bus,
and I’m so sensate-ton-alist.
I felt you on the bus—
ran my hands all over your neck—
like petting zoo deer,
like a cold beer,
like JFK and Marilyn Monroe,
ran my fingers through your hair—
you silken space spider—
it felt so right.

You’re a chocolate rabbit—
an advertisement for candy—
so sweet,
easy to hold—
cupped in my hands—
I eat your head,
and swallow your ears.
Candy bunny—
you must be from space—
a race of brown hares—
a colony of soft,
sugar-blooded,
rodents—
hiding in posters—
newspaper banners—
and the sides of the internet.

When you drive away,
people see me touching a bus—
this must be what it’s like—
to see lovers at an airport—
the parting of Vulcans—
live long and prosper—
the friends that go away—
the friends that find their way—
and leave with the rabbit—
disappear in the day—
and make memories sweet—
sweet chocolate bunny memories—
friends forever—
the chocolate alien bus is just gone—
it’s gone—
it’s just gone.

15 — Eye of the Storm and the Outer Wall

An old reminder
You’re going to wake up
you’re going to see some light
something isn’t right

Pooling sunlight
fills my palm

Pooling sunlight.

Pooling sunlight…?

I stare
looking without thinking
dreaming’s inner core
dreaming never
dreaming more
friends are something somewhere
and stuff is something somewhere

there’s people outside this place
there’s no way out

there’s people…

no way out…?

space is shifting windy
something isn’t right.

ELGONRAK!

Elgonrak!
terror in the night!
the crushing hide of mass
building strong the glowing winds of past
my world falls — fast — great Elgonrak crushes it with a thousand eyes
your steps are thunder-earthquakes and my people don’t want to hide
crushing hide of power — you trample through the city — you crush the golden towers
the earth is cracking gonrak — under the weight of the beast — the yelling monster machine
the son of greed — the son of loveless ambition — the daughter of the wicked queen —
your wings are spread like mountains — cape of eternal dread — my horror is real —
Elgonrak we hide in fear!

ELGONRAK!

16 — SEASTORM

Jittering hands
Can’t move
just stand
as the winds kick into rage
as they tear the air with claws of fuel-filled destruction
the arms of elgonrak — the vacuum breath of the beast — the hounding cry of pressured breeze
you are angry — you are purple and blue — you are swirling — oil — you are a terrifying hail of junk
all fall to your collapse — all are thrown by your power — all are instrumented by your hate
you are a mass of collapsing debris — the black hole of my back yard — the emperor who has his will
ELGONRAK!
all are fleeing from your cowering might — far they cannot go — far they’ll never see
against my will — against I want to flee — against I know it’s futile — against I’ll be consumed —
fear your red and glowing eyes — fear your lava plasma stare — fear your crushing heavy heels — elgonrak I am waiting — I am scared — I am scared —
I am waiting in fear!
ELGONRAK!
sea foam and ocean water pour from the cracks in the earth —
sea foam and ocean water rage north into the sky —
sea foam and ocean water darkly mix into the clouds and rain —
elgonrak your mouth opens wide — elgonrak your laughter rages loudly —
elgonrak you smash the land with your first — elgonrak you bite into the treetops —
egonrak you roar into the watery sky — egonrak — you have taken all the air!
you are pounded by the rain — you are climbing in the clouds —
Angels fight your frame — the warring dream of violence — the rift of vortex wind —
the nightmare at the end
ELGONRAK!
Your march is with the emblem fear of fascism —
Your reich is with the sound of loudish growing —
you gorge on fear and sadness — your empire drags its feet — the people swear to you now —
You stumble through my world — you destroy it — I cannot move — I cannot move —
I cannot stop you ELGONRAK! I CANNOT STOP YOU!
you have taken everything elgonrak.
You have destroyed everything—
the world is falling elgonrak
ELGONRAK!
the world is gone.
pixels fill the sunset.
pixels fill the sky.
pixels fill the world.
pixels aren’t real.
pixels are dead.
pixels are everywhere.
the dream is made of pixels
the dream isn’t real.
elgonrak?
I can’t remember.
I’m so tired.
did I sleep?
It feels like so much happened.
?
elgonrak?

17 — Algae Fish

it’s pretty bright
little morning light
I got stuff to do
kettle teacup whistle
steamy kettle whistle!
the wind is morning warm
it’s nice out—
time to water plants—
take pictures—
feed the fish.
Call steve — talk about things
walk to bagel store
blueberry
the grass is growing
it smells like earth
it must have rained
I’m glad it’s warm
happy weirdish morning
stare at fish
creamcheese bagel
listen to music
check on things
algae cleaning fish—
named Egon.
Elgonrak?